This is continuation for the fic "Jitabata Junjou" from the previous post (because it was too long for LJ) so please read that part first ^__^' Click here to read the first half of the fic.
* * * * * * * * * *
Tottsu had been telling the truth, Hasshi really didn’t look like he was feeling too well, Daiki noticed this right away when watching the boys doing their dance routines. Hasshi loved performing, and it showed every time he was dancing or singing, but right now he looked like he had no motivation whatsoever. From that far he couldn’t really see Hasshi’s eyes so he couldn’t see any signs on if he had cried just before or not, but judging from the overall appearance Daiki was betting once he got a little closer he’d get a confirmation for that too.
“Hasshi~! Hasshi, can I talk to you for a bit?” Daiki asked, dashing to the boy as soon as the dancing teacher had excused the boys, calling Kis-My-Ft2 to do their parts before it was Hey!Say!JUMP’s turn. Yes, now that Daiki was standing closer, he could see Hasshi’s eyes being a little red. What the hell had Takaki done, Daiki sure wanted to know that!
“E-eh..? Sure…” Hasshi said, looking a little wary at Daiki asking him that out of the blue, or maybe more like Daiki suddenly appearing there from nowhere too.
Daiki smiled at the younger, although taller boy, took a hold of his hand and quickly pulled him away with him. Daiki was pretty sure at least some of the boys had already gone back to Hey!Say!JUMP’s dressing room, so he couldn’t talk with Hasshi there in peace, so instead he headed to one of the smaller rooms he knew would be empty right then.
“What is it..?” Hasshi asked a bit cautiously, sitting down on the long bench in the room. Hasshi was looking really tired, and judging from everything else Daiki was betting Hasshi hadn’t probably been sleeping too much the previous night.
“Ne… what happened yesterday?” Daiki asked, not really waiting until going straight to the subject. He saw Hasshi immediately looking at him, eyes wide with confusion. Daiki could tell it wasn’t Hasshi being confused of what he was asking, but more like him being confused about how did Daiki know something was wrong.
“What… what do you mean..?” Hasshi asked, looking even more cautious now. He didn’t know how Daiki had figured out something was wrong even though they hadn’t even talked the whole day yet, but Hasshi didn’t want to talk to him about what had happened any more than with Tottsu.
Daiki stared intently into Hasshi’s eyes. Well, he wasn’t thinking it’d be easy to get it out of Hasshi. Maybe he should just ask straight… “What stupidity did Takaki do?” Daiki then asked straight. When he did said that he instantly felt bad, because Hasshi actually went completely white from his face at the mentioning of Takaki’s name. No question there, Takaki really had done something stupid…
“Hasshi…” Daiki said more gently, coming to sit next to the younger boy, poking Hasshi gently on the arm. “I know Takaki must have done something stupid yesterday since you were still in a good mood yesterday morning, but then feeling so bad today… Tottsu came to ask me if I knew what was wrong with you. He said you had cried earlier. It’s not like he’d tell me otherwise, but he was just worried about you, and so am I. So could you tell me..? I can beat up Takaki for you?” Daiki meant the last part jokingly in an attempt to bring a smile to Hasshi’s lips, but seemed he wasn’t being too successful.
“I don’t… I just don’t want to talk about it…” Hasshi said quietly, not looking at Daiki. The older boy knew him too well, so he had already figured out it was about Takaki, but even if it was Daiki, Hasshi still couldn’t tell him what happened. He had been so stupid himself, and then Takaki… Hasshi shook his head, not wanting to even think about it.
“I don’t want you feeling so down, Hasshi,” Daiki said with a genuinely sympathetic voice, trying to peek into Hasshi’s eyes. “I know Takaki tends to do stupid things, but I’ve never seen you so upset, so he must have done something even more stupid than normal. Tottsu said you had told him you had lied about something you shouldn’t have… Does that have something to do with whatever stupidity Takaki did?”
Hasshi felt even more miserable when Daiki kept asking him those things, especially because the boy kept hitting way too close with his guesses. Hasshi glanced at Daiki, seeing the worry in the older boy’s eyes. Hasshi didn’t want to talk about it at all, but he didn’t want Daiki to worry either…
“I… I think it was just my own fault…” Hasshi said very quietly. He gave a small glance at Daiki again, seeing if the boy would try to coax him into telling more, but Daiki was just sitting there quietly and just looking like he was waiting Hasshi to take his time with whatever he was saying.
Hasshi bit his lips together for a moment, looking down at his feet as he leaned a little forward, his palms pressed against the bench both sides his hips. “Takaki wasn’t paying attention to me, so I wanted to get his attention even if it was to get him angry at me…” Hasshi paused talking for a moment, feeling like he was about to cry again and Hasshi didn’t want to do it again! “…So I said some horrible things… I don’t even know why! I was lying about all of them, I just said it because Takaki paid attention to me when he got angry but… he got so much more angry than I had thought…” Hasshi’s whole body had started shivering as he held onto the edge of the bench with both hands, and he didn’t notice he actually had started crying again until a tear dropped onto the fabric of the pants he was wearing.
“Hasshi…” Daiki said softly, leaning a little closer to the younger boy. He had no idea what Hasshi had said to lie to Takaki, or what Takaki had done when getting angry, he just knew Hasshi was feeling horrible about it all and Daiki wanted to do something to make him feel better. Daiki just didn’t know what to do other than try be there for Hasshi, and it didn’t look like Hasshi wanted to tell anything more about the previous day, and Daiki didn’t want to force him into it either.
“I… I need to go…” Hasshi said, trying to wipe the tears from his face as he abruptly pushed himself up from the bench. He didn’t want to even think about the whole thing right now, he had only started to cry again… Hasshi just wanted to be alone for a moment.
* * * * * * * * * *
Takaki was slouching down the hallway, completely unmotivated expression on his face. The Hey!Say!JUMP part of the practice was starting, and the others had ganged up on him and said Takaki had to go find Daiki somewhere. Hadn’t the boy been watching the juniors practicing just a moment ago? Why had he left just when they were supposed to start theirs…
Takaki scratched his head absentmindedly when peeking around in the hallway. Daiki hadn’t been in their dressing room, so Takaki had checked the chibi juniors’ rooms after those, but Daiki hadn’t been there either. There was a big chance Daiki might be in A.B.C-Z’s room with Hasshi, but there were more than a few reasons Takaki wanted to stay as far from the room as possible!
“Why did I have to go look for him…” Takaki mumbled annoyed when he turned around a corner. There were smaller rooms in this corridor, and most of the doors were closed and probably locked, so Takaki decided Daiki probably wouldn’t have gone there and was about to turn back, but he then heard some soft voice talking from the room with the door opened to a small crack near where he was standing, soon recognizing the voice as Daiki’s. ‘Well finally’, Takaki thought, and was about to pull the door completely open and go nag at Daiki to come to the practice already, but when he then heard Hasshi’s voice answering to Daiki’s in the same room, Takaki froze on his feet.
“I don’t… I just don’t want to talk about it…” Takaki heard Hasshi’s voice saying in the room, even though Hasshi’s voice sounded so incredibly quiet. Takaki hadn’t really paid attention to what Daiki had just said, so he had no idea what Hasshi was answering to, but for some reason Takaki had the bad feeling again… especially since Daiki had just been grilling him about the subject of the previous day. Takaki lowered his hand back to his side, not opening the door after all but instead settling to listen behind the door.
Takaki couldn’t help but frown when he heard Daiki talking about Takaki being stupid, but when it was Hasshi talking again, Takaki felt like he was choking on his feet. First saying Hasshi thought it was probably his fault, then Hasshi saying how he had just wanted to get Takaki’s attention and then lying because of that… Then, the horrible things Hasshi had said had been all lies. Takaki felt his stomach turn upside down inside him. He almost reached his hand to the wall to support him, he was feeling so physically sick right now after what he had done the previous day he wasn’t sure if his body would agree keeping him on his feet much longer.
It hadn’t been Hasshi’s fault… Takaki had been the stupid one, not thinking about how Hasshi felt and not paying attention to Hasshi when the boy had wanted - and needed - it. Of course, telling the lies was Hasshi’s fault, he shouldn’t have done something stupid like that, but Takaki had been equally stupid believing what Hasshi had said. He knew Hasshi better than that, he knew the boy couldn’t possibly do something like the things he had said… Takaki was feeling absolutely horrible; how could he have reacted like that? How… how could he have hurt Hasshi like that…
Takaki was so deep in his own thoughts now, he hadn’t even noticed the pause in the talk inside the room, or how Hasshi had said he’d leave, so when the door was suddenly pushed open and Hasshi almost ran into him, Takaki was caught off guard. Although, from the looks of Hasshi’s face, it was an even bigger shock for the younger boy. Takaki felt his stomach turning upside down again when he saw the scared, almost horrified look on the boy’s face, and how he instantly pulled backwards to avoid coming so close to Takaki. Takaki even tried opening his mouth to say something, although he was pretty sure no words would come out anyway, but Hasshi had already quickly evaded Takaki and was running down the hallway, as far from Takaki as fast as he could.
If Takaki had thought he had already felt the most miserable he could after hearing what Hasshi had been saying to Daiki just a moment ago, he had been wrong. Seeing Hasshi look at him like he had just now was much worse, and he couldn’t get that expression out of his head either! Takaki didn’t want Hasshi to look at him like that… He loved Hasshi, how could he have done something to make Hasshi look at him like that…
“Takaki..?” Daiki stared at the older boy as he stepped to the doorway, seeing Takaki standing in the hallway, looking at the direction where Hasshi had just ran off to with a pained expression on his face. Daiki almost felt like kicking Takaki and order him to go after Hasshi and correct whatever stupidity he had done, but Hasshi probably wasn’t in the mood for talking with Takaki right then. And besides, Takaki was suddenly looking a lot similar to how Hasshi had been looking… Takaki had looked annoyed and angry before, but the expression on his face was totally different now, and Daiki didn’t even know why. Had Takaki heard what he and Hasshi had been talking about just now? But Takaki had been there the previous day when all that stuff had happened in the first place, so that shouldn’t be any new information about it. Unless… unless if Takaki didn’t even know yet whatever Hasshi had been saying to him had been lies! “Takaki, did you…”
“We need to get back, the practice is starting…” Takaki said in a monotone, almost choked voice, and it sounded like Takaki was doing his best to try making his voice sound like it wasn’t emotionally strained, but failing big time. Daiki didn’t know what to say at all when Takaki started heading towards the practice area, Daiki hurrying to keep up with him. Just a little earlier Daiki had been accusing Takaki and trying to get him tell what stupid thing he had done, but Takaki feeling like this now… Daiki wasn’t sure at all what he should do now…
* * * * * * * * * *
It wasn’t enough that Daiki had been worried over Hasshi, now he was worrying over Takaki too! During the whole practice time Takaki’s mind seemed to be somewhere far away, and he got scolded by the dance teacher many times. Daiki knew the worst was just ahead though, because after Hey!Say!JUMP’s practice turn was…
“Okay, we’re doing the ending performances next, so all the juniors gather here too!” Daiki heard the dance teacher calling out for the juniors come up while Hey!Say!JUMP would move to the side to come on stage during the song. Daiki looked towards A.B.C-Z and Kis-My-Ft2 who were coming to the center while Daiki and his group mates were moving to the side, and he saw Hasshi almost hiding behind Tottsu and Fujigaya, and wasn’t even looking towards the direction where Takaki was. Daiki then turned to look at Takaki. The older boy was looking at Hasshi as the juniors started their performance, but soon turned his eyes to the floor, looking even more miserable. Daiki knew both the boys were professional and would do their job, but they were both feeling bad enough so that it was completely showing on their faces.
Daiki almost winced when it was Hey!Say!JUMP’s turn to join to the song, because he saw Hasshi give a hesitant glance towards them before moving so that he was securely between his own group mates and Kis-My-Ft2 members so that he possibly couldn’t be close to Takaki even by accident. Yes, Daiki would definitely have to talk with Hasshi after the practice again… Or he’d really want to have both Takaki and Hasshi there, but judging from how Hasshi was avoiding the other boy, that wasn’t probably possible…
“Otsukaresama for the younger juniors and 7 members, you can leave now”, the dance teacher then said after the dance, drawing Daiki back from his thoughts. “As for the older ones, we’ll practice the last of the ending songs.”
Damn, Daiki had already forgotten they’d do the other ending song practice last… Because it’d be recorded so late in the actual recording day the younger boys weren’t allowed to take part, and because Hasshi still wasn’t 16 either, he wouldn’t take part in the practice with them either. Daiki turned to look at Hasshi, about to call out to him and ask him to wait until he got to leave too, but the boy was in so much hurry Daiki didn’t have a chance. Damn it… Maybe Daiki just had to go by Hasshi’s house once he got home… He had a feeling Hasshi probably wasn’t in the mood for going anywhere else but home, so Daiki would surely find Hasshi there.
* * * * * * * * * *
“…Mou, what’s wrong with Takaki…”Hikaru complained when he was getting ready to leave. “He’s not even fun to tease today… Maa, Dai-chan are you coming with us?”
Daiki glanced at Takaki who was lazily pulling on his boots, totally ignoring everything else going around him, and then back to Hikaru. “I’ll come in a bit, okay?” Daiki said, and the pair nodded, saying they’d wait Daiki outside.
Daiki had been planning on going to Hasshi’s after the practice, but he wasn’t really sure if he was the one that should go. He knew Hasshi didn’t want to be close to Takaki, but unless the pair would sort out their matters by themselves…
“Ne, Takaki,” Daiki said, coming closer to Takaki and poked the boy softly on the shoulder. “You should go to talk Hasshi.”
If Daiki hadn’t mentioned Hasshi’s name, the older boy probably would have just ignored him, but at least he looked up now. Takaki was looking so miserable and guilty Daiki felt bad just looking at him being like that.
“It’s no use for you both feeling bad like that, right?” Daiki said, poking his index finger against Takaki’s forehead. “It’s better if it’s you instead of me anyway, because you’re feeling bad too, so you should both sort things out, together.”
Takaki turned to look down, biting his lower lip. Daiki didn’t have to say that, he knew it himself too. Besides, Takaki wanted to see Hasshi and talk with him, but he was feeling so horrible because of what he had done. And Takaki was sure Hasshi didn’t want to see him. Daiki didn’t know what had happened, so he couldn’t possibly understand how impossible what he was saying sounded.
Daiki frowned slightly before giving Takaki a small push to the side. “Just go talk with him!” Daiki said before picking up his bag from the floor. He wondered for a moment if he could trust Takaki actually going or if he should go himself, but it would just be so much better if Takaki was the one going… Daiki would just call him later to check how things were, and if Takaki really hadn’t gone, Daiki would stop by then. “Ja, bye~”
Takaki lifted his eyes to look after Daiki who disappeared through the door. He really wanted to talk to Hasshi, but he was seriously scared Hasshi wouldn’t even open the door to him, or shut the door in front of his face when he saw it was him. But… Hasshi was feeling bad, and Takaki didn’t want that. He wanted to apologize to Hasshi, and comfort him. But if Hasshi wouldn’t even agree to see him in the first place…
Takaki just sat there staring at the door after Daiki had left, not being able to decide what to do. It took about five minutes until he finally managed to pull himself together and stop acting like a baby about it. Daiki was right, the two of them would have to talk about it. Even if Hasshi didn’t want to see him, Takaki wanted to see Hasshi, and he’d work it out somehow - he just wasn’t sure how yet! …He could try think that up on the way…
* * * * * * * * * *
Please be Hasshi’s mother or sister, please be Hasshi’s mother or sister, Takaki was chanting in his head once he pushed the doorbell. If Hasshi was the one who came to open the door, Takaki was guessing it wouldn’t end up too well. When it really was Hasshi’s sister who came to open the door, Takaki almost sighed in relief.
“Ah, Takaki-kun!” the girl said with a bright smile, although looking maybe a little surprised. Takaki had just been there the day before after all, so he probably hadn’t expected the boy to come by again. The girl moved a little to let Takaki inside. “Surprise you didn’t come together with Ryosuke, since he just came back a little while ago too.”
“We had to stay a little longer and since I didn’t know how long it would take, I didn’t want Hasshi to wait…” Takaki lied quite successfully. He noticed Hasshi’s sister was wearing shoes and was holding a light jacket on one hand.
“Ah, I was just about to go out,” the girl explained at Takaki’s questioning look. “Ryosuke is in his room, so you can just go there, there’s no one else home right now. Actually, Ryosuke looked like he wasn’t in too social mood, so maybe you can bring his mood up a little. It’s so depressing when he’s like that.”
Takaki tried forcing a smile on his lips when he gave a small bow at Hasshi’s sister when the girl left. Takaki was guessing Hasshi seeing him probably wouldn’t bring his mood up too much… He shook his head a little, trying not to think so negatively about it all. He took off his shoes and left his jacket on the hanger, quietly heading towards Hasshi’s room.
The boy stopped behind Hasshi’s room door, not really all that sure what to do now. Should he knock? Or just walk inside? It probably didn’t matter either way, Hasshi would probably react the same. Or well, maybe it was better to knock. If he walked to the room out of the blue like that, wouldn’t Hasshi react the same way as when he almost ran into him in the hallway earlier, and Takaki really didn’t want that.
Takaki swallowed once before slowly lifting his arm, giving a soft knock on the door and waited to hear if Hasshi answered something.
Inside the room, Hasshi lifted himself up from the bed a little bit. He had been laying on the bed on his side, hugging a pillow, too tired physically and emotionally to actually do something. Hadn’t his sister already left? At least he was sure he had heard the main door opening and closing… “Hai, it’s open…” he said, trying to sound normal. He also tried to put somewhat normal look to his face, because he knew his sister would only ask unnecessary things if he looked too miserable, even though she probably didn’t have too much time to spend on asking questions like that because she should have left already.
The ‘normal’ expression died on Hasshi’s face when he saw that instead of his sister, the person pushing the door open was Takaki.
Takaki felt the horrible feeling in his stomach again when he saw Hasshi’s expression. The skin color seemed to fade a bit from the boy’s face, making him seem paler than what he normally was as his eyes widened at the sight of Takaki. Takaki hesitated for a bit before taking on step inside the room. When he did that though, Hasshi moved on the bed more against the head, as if moving away from Takaki, trying to keep the same distance between the two of them. Takaki felt a sinking feeling in his heart getting even worse.
“I… I won’t come any closer if you don’t want to…” Takaki said in a careful voice, stopping near the doorway. He had been about to close the door behind himself like always, but decided maybe it was better to just leave it open, if Hasshi would feel any better about it this way. There wasn’t anyone else home anyway so it didn’t really matter… Takaki lowered his arm to his side, not really knowing what to do now. Hasshi looked so jumpy and scared, Takaki was feeling really bad. He just wanted to hug Hasshi to make the boy not look like that anymore, but Takaki knew Hasshi wouldn’t want him to touch him. And after what he had done yesterday, Takaki couldn’t blame him either. The boy swallowed the nasty lump in his throat, keeping his eyes locked with Hasshi’s, even though it hurt to see the boy looking like that.
“Hasshi, I’m sor--” Takaki paused, only noticing he had taken a few steps towards the younger boy when he saw Hasshi had slid a little further away on the bed again. He was automatically moving closer to the boy, wanting to be closer to him.
“I’m sorry, I… I said I wouldn’t come closer, right..?” Takaki said quietly, not meeting Hasshi’s eyes for a moment. “I know you probably didn’t want me to come but… I just wanted… just wanted to say I’m sorry…” Takaki lifted his eyes again, meeting Hasshi’s. “About yesterday, I…” Takaki swallowed, finding it more difficult to find the right words. “I heard when you were talking with Daiki, how you said you had been lying when… No, the lie part shouldn’t really matter either. Even if it was true, I still shouldn’t have…” Takaki bit his lip, feeling his voice shaking a bit. “I just… I got so angry, I didn’t even know what…”
Takaki was fidgeting on his feet. He was feeling incredibly uncomfortable standing there almost in the middle of the room with Hasshi staring at him all the time with that same look in his eyes. Takaki swallowed again, trying to figure what to say next, not that much of what he had been saying so far had made much sense.
“Is it… is it okay if I come sit next to you..?” Takaki then asked, being quite sure than the chances Hasshi would not be okay with that were at least as big as him thinking it was okay. He really wanted to be at least a little closer to the boy, so at least he had to try!
Hasshi didn’t seem to be all too sure what he wanted to answer to that either. He kept looking at Takaki, and then gave a small, hesitant glance over the bed he was sitting on himself, and then turned back to look at Takaki again. He gave a very slow, very tiny nod, although it was pretty clear from his expression he wasn’t really sure if he really was okay with it or not. He didn’t really want Takaki too close to him, but at the same time…
Takaki almost sighed in relief when he saw Hasshi give the small nod. Sure, Hasshi didn’t look too happy about the idea, but at least Hasshi wasn’t telling him to get out of the room or something like that! Takaki figured just walking to Hasshi right away would probably scare the boy, so instead he kind of went around the room and sat down on the other edge of the bed, looking down at the floor for a little while until lifting his head to look up to Hasshi, a little distance away from him on his side at the other edge of the bed. Hasshi had his legs pulled on the bed, and he was hugging his pillow against his chest with both arms. Hasshi had moved a little when Takaki had come to sit on the bed, although he hadn’t move any further away - one reason to why he hadn’t might be that he simply was already so far at the other edge of the bed he couldn’t move any more than that. But Hasshi had moved so that the pillow his was holding was covering the lower part of his face so Takaki couldn’t see his face well enough to know better what Hasshi was feeling.
“Hasshi… can you please say something..?” Takaki pleaded, leaning a little closer to Hasshi. He didn’t really dare to move much closer, because he was afraid Hasshi would just move away. Even though Hasshi didn’t have any room to move further away on the bed anymore, Takaki guessed Hasshi would get up from the bed altogether. “Hasshi, please… I said I was so sorry about what I did yesterday, and there’s no excuse for it so it’s not like I’m even expecting you to forgive me about it but can you please say something!?” Takaki was starting to feel incredibly desperate because Hasshi wasn’t saying anything, or reacting to what Takaki was saying or doing much otherwise either.
Hasshi lifted his face just a little bit, still having it covered mostly with the pillow as he glanced at Takaki. The older boy was almost holding his breath as he was waiting Hasshi to say something. He didn’t even care what Hasshi would say. If Hasshi would yell at him or be really angry or whatever, Takaki was totally fine with it, because he knew himself too he would deserve it, he just wanted Hasshi to say something. But when Hasshi then moved his eyes back down, the lower half of his face fully covered with the pillow again, Takaki almost felt like he was choking.
No, Takaki didn’t even care anymore even if Hasshi would try moving away from him, Takaki just wanted some kind of reaction, some kind of answer from Hasshi! Without a warning Takaki moved closer to Hasshi quickly, reaching his arms around the younger boy, holding him tightly. He felt the boy’s body tensing up and soon about to start struggling away, but Takaki didn’t mind either that.
“Please say something…” Takaki said, having a lot of trouble trying to keep his voice calm and not to shiver from the emotions. “I don’t care if you yell at me, or say hurtful things or whatever, just please say something… Just tell me what I can do to make it okay!”
“You can’t think like that!” Hasshi then suddenly said in a voice loud enough so that it surprised Takaki to loosen his hold onto Hasshi, allowing the younger boy to slip from his arms and jump down on the floor, turning back around to look at Takaki once he was far enough from the boy so that Takaki couldn’t reach to touch him, at least not without getting up from the bed. “You can’t expect me to instruct you what you need to do to make everything okay! You need to think on your own, and it wouldn’t make any difference either because… because I didn’t think you could ever do something like that… How am I supposed to trust you now…” Hasshi had dropped the pillow he had been holding when he had gotten away from Takaki, so he felt a little lost with what to do with his hands now, and he was partially crossing them over his chest, sliding his hands over his arms, struggling with whether to look at Takaki or not.
Takaki only looked even more distressed now. Sure, he had wanted Hasshi to say just anything and was thinking no matter what it was it would be better than the silence, but hearing those words from Hasshi’s lips now, Takaki was no longer sure at all if it felt any better after all. Or more like he knew it definitely did not felt better, because hearing Hasshi say that felt like Takaki had just received a kick on the chest, his breath not flowing normally like it should have. What Hasshi was saying was true… How could Hasshi trust him..? If Takaki would say he loved Hasshi, he would never hurt him, wasn’t that just the same he had said before too? But he had hurt Hasshi, so he hadn’t kept his promise…
Takaki had to turn his eyes away from Hasshi, because the anger and hurt in the younger boy’s eyes were making him feel nauseated, and almost making his head spin from how had be was feeling, knowing he was fully to blame for Hasshi feeling like that. And on top of that, Takaki didn’t know what he could do to make it better. Or if there even was anything he could do… Takaki could feel his own body start shaking because of the emotions as he was thinking about it, but he didn’t even notice the tears appearing to his eyes.
Hasshi did notice though, and the angry mixture of emotions on his face instantly turned into worry. Even if concern was probably the last thing Hasshi wanted to feel for Takaki right then, he couldn’t help it being his automatic reaction. Takaki didn’t cry, at least not in front of other people, so Hasshi immediately almost panicked when he saw the tears in the boy’s eyes. “Takaki..?” he asked cautiously. His body was demanding him to move closer, but at the same time Hasshi was so rooted on that spot on the floor he couldn’t.
“I’m… I’m sorry…” Takaki said, but his voice broke at the last word, and he started sobbing out loud as the tears were running down his cheeks. Takaki was feeling completely pathetic. He was the one that had hurt Hasshi, and now he was crying himself? But he couldn’t help it… All the feelings of guilt and most of all the fear Hasshi would never forgive him were too much for Takaki to handle, and it felt as if his body had a mind on its own, reacting to the feelings without Takaki’s own consent.
When Takaki broke down crying like that, Hasshi completely ignored any feeling of anger still in his mind, taking a few steps forward to be back next to Takaki. He reached his arms around Takaki’s shoulders, sitting down next to Takaki. Hasshi almost panicked when he felt how much Takaki’s body was shaking, but instead only held his arms tighter around the boy. “If you don’t stop crying, I’m going to start crying too…” Hasshi had meant to say it as a joke to get Takaki to laugh, but his own voice broke a little when saying it, almost on the verge of tears himself.
Takaki didn’t even notice at first Hasshi getting closer, but when he felt the arms around himself, it only made him cry even more for some reason. His own arms were about to circle around Hasshi’s waist on their own, but he forced them to keep from moving, not wanting to scare the younger boy away by doing something like that. But when he could hear the tears in Hasshi’s voice too, Takaki didn’t even care anymore. He could only hope he wouldn’t make Hasshi escape from him again as he circled his arms around Hasshi’s waist. “Please don’t cry…” Takaki forced his own voice not to break even more. He could feel Hasshi tensing up at his touch, and even though it was only making him feel worse, Takaki tried to drown the feeling somewhere on the back of his mind and try not to get affected by it. Hasshi had come to comfort him, even though it was Takaki who wanted to comfort Hasshi… “Please don’t cry, and please don’t go away…” Takaki said, a hint of desperation in his voice when he said the last part. “I’m sorry…”
Hasshi remained in place, not moving the slightest bit as he listened Takaki’s voice. Even though he appeared calm on the outside - if not for the tears on his cheeks - his emotions were lifting up a storm inside. He so badly wanted to be angry at Takaki, and wanted to get away and be alone, but even more than that he wanted to stay there in Takaki’s arms, touch him and hear his voice… Hasshi had no idea how to deal with emotions like that. “Even if you say that…” Hasshi started in a small voice, stopping when he felt Takaki’s arms hold him just the tiny bit tighter.
“I know…” Takaki said, even though Hasshi hadn’t finished what he was saying. “And I’m not expecting you to forgive me either…” Slowly, very unwillingly Takaki loosened his arms around Hasshi’s waist so that he could move back enough to meet with Hasshi’s eyes. He hesitated for a moment before lifting one hand to Hasshi’s face, brushing the hair away from over Hasshi’s eyes, and then to gently brush away the tears from the boy’s cheeks. He wasn’t sure how Hasshi felt with Takaki touching him, so Takaki was moving his hand very slowly, but at least it seemed like Hasshi wasn’t flinching to his touch now. Having brushed away the tears, Takaki let his hand linger on the side of Hasshi’s face for a short while before lowering it down on the bed. “I’m… I’m not expecting or even asking that… that you forgive me…” Takaki lowered his eyes, not being able to meet with Hasshi’s as he spoke. “…But can I try?” He looked up at Hasshi’s eyes again. “Can I try if I can earn your trust back?”
Hasshi blinked a few times, feeling slightly taken aback by the honesty of Takaki’s eyes. He looked down himself for a moment before meeting Takaki’s eyes, moving one of his own hands to brush over the wet lines still remaining on Takaki’s cheeks. “I… I think so…” he then answered slowly as he lowered his hand, touching his fingertips against Takaki’s cheek for a short moment before lowering the hand against his own thigh. “But I don’t know how long that would take, because…” Hasshi looked down again.
Takaki lifted his hand to touch his fingers gently against Hasshi’s chin, to make the boy look up and meet his eyes. He only touched Hasshi’s chin very gently, not making the boy look up, but just asking him to. And Hasshi did. “I’m fine with it, no matter how long it takes, since it’s my fault…”
Hasshi couldn’t help but feel bad when looking at Takaki’s eyes. Even if the boy said it was all his fault, Hasshi had been lying to make Takaki angry, so he was also to blame for it…
“Do you mind if I stay over for a while… or if I stay over for the night?” Takaki asked, adding the last part a bit cautiously. “I won’t even touch you if you don’t want to”, he promised, reacting instantly the small hesitation in Hasshi’s eyes, and moved his palms to against his own thighs, not to touch Hasshi.
“…Nn, it’s okay…” Hasshi answered slowly. He didn’t like the feeling of Takaki moving his arms away, but he still felt like he shouldn’t make a move towards Takaki. It all felt so weird. He just wanted it all to be normal, and Takaki to hold him, but at the same time he felt like he couldn’t accept that so soon after being hurt by Takaki… Hasshi realized his eyes were probably revealing what he was thinking, because the look in Takaki’s eyes turned into slightly desperate.
“I…I’m going to get a futon for you to use…” Hasshi felt an unpleasant knot in his stomach when he said that. Takaki had always slept in the bed with him, so even thinking about having Takaki sleep in his room but not next to him felt alien and not tempting at all. The boy bit his lower lip while deep in thought, getting up from the bed without looking at Takaki. Before Hasshi could take more than one step though, he felt a pair of arms wrap around his upper body, locking Hasshi’s arms against his sides, and then Takaki’s face press against the side of his neck. Hasshi stopped, but his body didn’t freeze like earlier from Takaki’s touch. Instead, a big part of him wanted to lean against the touch…
“I’m sorry, I just… I just don’t even want to see you walking away…” Takaki mumbled in a soft voice against Hasshi’s neck, closing his eyes as he turned his face slightly, taking in the scent of Hasshi’s hair. “I’m sorry, I know I said I wouldn’t even touch you but… just say if you don’t want me to, and I’ll more away..?” Takaki’s voice was a bit strained when he said that, expecting Hasshi to tell him to move away, but not wanting it. He waited, fearing Hasshi to say it, but the younger boy kept quiet.
Hasshi kept still, taking in the warmth of Takaki’s arms around him, and the feeling of calmness taking over when feeling the closeness of the other boy’s body. Why was he acting like this when deep down Hasshi didn’t even want to keep Takaki away? After just standing there for what felt like a really long time, Hasshi lifted one hand, touching his fingertips against Takaki’s arm. “You… you don’t have to sleep on the futon…” Hasshi said quietly. “We can both sleep on the bed like normal…”
Takaki was actually very surprised by Hasshi saying that. “But… are you sure? I don’t mind sleeping on the futon…” Takaki said. He had opened his eyes, but not moved from his position one bit.
Hasshi shook his head. “I need Takaki next to me…” he said in almost a whisper. Hasshi had been the one to lie just because he wanted Takaki to notice him more. He was the one who had hurt Takaki first, so it wasn’t like he didn’t know he had been doing wrong also… Hasshi swallowed once, wrapping his fingers more around Takaki’s arm around him.
Takaki took in a deep breath, letting it out with a small shiver going through his body as a small wave of relief went through his body. If Hasshi said that, he must be feeling more at ease around him, and just hearing Hasshi say those words…
Takaki leaned to sit down on the bed, pulling Hasshi down with him as he laid down on the bed on his side, still holding his arms around Hasshi, but prepared to remove his arms at any moment Hasshi would tell him to. The younger boy didn’t say anything though, or in any other way hint Takaki keep further away either. “Are you sure it’s okay..?” Takaki asked softly, still not certain.
Hasshi didn’t answer anything at first, but then he slowly turned around so that he was on his side, facing Takaki. The older boy had loosened his arms around Hasshi the instant the boy had made the slightest move, worrying if Hasshi wanted to move away and giving the boy the room to do it if that was what he wanted, but Hasshi remained just as close, and now that the younger boy had moved around, their faces were only few inches apart.
“I already said… I want Takaki close to me…” Hasshi said in even smaller whisper, his words sending small puffs of air against Takaki’s lips.
Takaki wanted so badly to close the very small distance between their lips and kiss Hasshi, to pretend everything was okay and that nothing bad had happened at all, but he didn’t dare… He didn’t want to push it too far when he had already promised he wouldn’t even touch Hasshi…
Hasshi moved one of his hands up to Takaki’s face, brushing his fingers softly against the boy’s cheek. He followed the movement of his fingers with his eyes, before looking up and meeting Takaki’s gaze almost shyly. “I’m sorry… for lying to make you angry…” Hasshi said softly. Thinking about it all now, Hasshi couldn’t even begin to think how he had even managed to think of doing something so stupid. There probably wasn’t any worse way of dealing with the situation than what he had done!
“Don’t say that…” Takaki said, placing one of his own hands over Hasshi’s, and moving the younger boy’s hand slightly, placing a soft kiss on the boy’s fingers. “I know it was my fault, so you don’t have to say that…”
“Can we agree then that we are both at fault?” Hasshi asked, a hint of smile on his lips.
Takaki couldn’t even begin to describe how big of a relief if was to see Hasshi almost smiling after all the horrible that had happened. He had been fearing for the worst, being sure Hasshi would never want him close to himself anymore… Takaki let go of Hasshi’s hand, moving his own palm against Hasshi’s cheek, sliding it along the boy’s soft skin, and touching the tip of his thumb against the boy’s lower lip. “Can I… can I kiss you..?” Takaki asked after fighting for the courage to ask that for a long time. He really wanted to kiss Hasshi right then, but wouldn’t do it without a warning, and not without making sure it was okay to Hasshi first.
Hasshi had placed his own hand over Takaki’s on his face now, and when Takaki spoke, he looked up to meet his eyes. Hasshi didn’t even consider the answer to that, instead he gave a small nod, still holding his hand over Takaki’s.
Takaki didn’t move right away, still in a way wondering if it was okay after all, even if Hasshi had nodded. Seeing Hasshi’s expecting eyes though, Takaki leaned forward, closing the small distance between them as he pressed his lips softly, very carefully against Hasshi’s. A wave of warmth rushed through Takaki’s body at the contact of their lips, and as Hasshi let go of his hand, Takaki moved the hand he had been holding on Hasshi’s cheek behind the boy’s neck. He didn’t pull him closer though, making sure the kiss would remain easy and sweet. Takaki really wanted to kiss Hasshi deeper than that, but hold himself back just in case. For the same reason he didn’t let the kiss continue for too long, not to lose himself in the kiss and forget about it. After a few moments he withdrew himself from the kiss, albeit very unwillingly.
“Are you okay..?” Takaki asked, brushing his thumb against Hasshi’s cheek.
“…You don’t have to be so overly careful, you know…” Hasshi said, trying to sound a little teasing, although even though he could put up a hint of smile, neither of them were quite there yet so that they could joke about anything relating to the situation at hand.
“I promised I wouldn’t touch you if you didn’t want to though…” Takaki reminded, brushing the thumb over Hasshi’s cheek again.
“And I said it was okay…” Hasshi said to that, meeting Takaki’s eyes with a clear look. He moved the tiniest bit closer to Takaki, the look in his eyes softening. “Kiss me..?” he asked in a quiet voice, the small puffs of air again tickling Takaki’s lips.
The older boy swallowed once as he kept his eyes connected with Hasshi’s, resisting the urge to hold Hasshi tightly in his arms, never let go and just kiss him for as long until neither of them could even breathe anymore. Instead he moved both of his arms so that his hands were on Hasshi’s upper back right now, and then moved closer, pressing his lips against Hasshi’s, this time into a slightly deeper kiss.
Takaki felt Hasshi’s hand on his chest, moving up and to the side of his neck, before he felt the whole of Hasshi’s body move a bit closer, their bodies touching slightly now. Not even noticing it, the increased closeness made Takaki kiss Hasshi deeper, one of the hands on Hasshi’s back sliding up behind his neck, pulling Hasshi and his lips closer in the kiss. Hasshi was answering to the kiss now too, his lips parted, moving against Takaki’s. Hasshi answering to the kiss made it so much easier to forget all about promising himself to take it easy and not let the kiss get too deep. So instead Takaki only pressed his lips more against Hasshi’s, his one arm pulling Hasshi closer, feeling Hasshi’s body more against his. The feeling of Hasshi answering to the kiss, and his body so close to Takaki was almost intoxicating after how bad both of them had been feeling. Takaki even forgot for a moment to be cautious about what he was doing, and pushed himself up, hovering over Hasshi as he pressed his lips harder against the younger boy’s. It wasn’t until Takaki’s hand had trailed down Hasshi’s body, and was touching the care skin of the boy’s waist at the edge of the shirt when Takaki’s mind caught up.
“…Ah, sorry…” Takaki said in a slightly choked voice as he withdrew his hand as if Hasshi’s hand had burnt it, and moved up to sit on the bed. What a good job was he doing living up to his promises again, saying he wouldn’t even touch Hasshi… Takaki pressed his hand against his forehead, trying to get his mind to focus.
Hasshi looked at Takaki a little confused, pushing himself to sit on his knees a small distance from Takaki. “I didn’t say anything…” he said in a small voice, trying to make Takaki look up to him instead of evading his eyes.
“No, but…” Takaki said, hesitantly meeting Hasshi’s eyes. “But I hurt you… here…” Takaki said quietly, his free hand clutching onto the bed sheet next to his thigh. Takaki didn’t really have that much of recollection what he had even done, just faint flashes in his mind, because the whole event had been a completely blur to him. But he still remembered enough, and the memory of that was making his stomach turn upside down.
“Mm, it was more that you just scared me… It wasn’t that you hurt me really, just…” Even when Hasshi was saying that, it was quite clear from his evasive tone that he was lying. But Hasshi didn’t want to continue thinking about all that anymore either, so he was just trying to make Takaki feel less bad about it.
“Liar…” Takaki said, but a hint of affectionate smile on his lips, and his body relaxed noticeably at Hasshi’s attempt to make him feel better.
Hasshi answered to Takaki’s expression with a little smile on his own, and leaned closer, reaching his arms around Takaki’s waist and pressed the side of his face against the boy’s chest. Takaki’s arms instinctively circled around Hasshi’s body, holding the boy close as he took in the scent of Hasshi’s hair, and placed a small kiss against the boy’s head.
“I’m sorry…” Takaki said again, after a long moment of silence.
“I know… Me too…” Hasshi answered in a quiet voice against Takaki’s chest. He was suddenly feeling very sleepy. “Let’s… let’s not both be stupid like that again..?”
“Yeah…” Takaki replied in almost a sigh, tightening his hold around Hasshi. He swallowed slowly, listening the younger boy’s calm breathing against him. Thinking about all of it now, it felt impossible something like that had even happened. How could he have gotten so angry..? Takaki’s body tensed up just at the thought of it.
“Don’t think about it…” Hasshi mumbled in a voice that almost sounded like he was half asleep, reacting to the tensing of Takaki’s body.
“I’m not…” Takaki quickly denied, willing his body to relax again and trying not to think about it.
“Now who’s the liar…” Hasshi said with a hint of smile in his voice.
Takaki couldn’t help but smile at that. If Hasshi didn’t want either of them thinking about it now, it was okay for Takaki, even if he knew not thinking about it didn’t mean either of them would forget about it… The idea of losing everything because of a small moment of stupidity felt so horrifying, Takaki realized he didn’t want to think about it himself either.
“Hasshi..?” Takaki said slowly, waiting for the boy to make some sound to indicate he was listening, but Hasshi remained quiet. “Hasshi?” Takaki asked confused as to why the younger boy wasn’t answering, and turned so that he could see Hasshi’s face. To his amazement he saw Hasshi having his eyes closed, breathing calmly against his chest, very clearly deep in sleep. Takaki just stared at Hasshi’s sleeping face for a long moment before almost starting to laugh. “You actually fell asleep..?” Takaki asked with a soft voice, though obviously saying it to just himself as Hasshi was asleep. “Mm, I guess it’s okay…”
Takaki leaned back so that he had his back against the wall, moving Hasshi slightly so that he was in a better position to sleep against him, and held his arms protectively against the younger boy. “Sleeping like that probably isn’t the best idea though…” he murmured against Hasshi’s hair. Not that Takaki minded it of course… He moved one of his hands to brush the hair away from Hasshi’s forehead, before moving the hand back on Hasshi’s back. “I love you…” Takaki whispered softly.
“I love you too…” Hasshi mumbled in a small voice, not moving from where he was.
“Eh? Weren’t you asleep?” Takaki asked, quickly taking a look at Hasshi’s face, but sure enough, the boy was still asleep. “Talking in your sleep..?” Takaki asked, a hint of smile creeping on his lips as he watched Hasshi. “Silly…”
Takaki kept looking at Hasshi’s face for a long time, enjoying the weight of the boy’s body against his own. “I’m sorry if you’ve felt like I’ve been ignoring you…” Takaki said softly, touching the tips of his fingers against Hasshi’s cheek. He probably would say this when Hasshi would be awake, but somehow saying it like this was so much easier. “I want to be able to spend more time with you too, and not being in the same group anymore just makes it harder… You’re being busy now too… and I know it’s stupid, but I’m jealous… Even though I know I shouldn’t be… I don’t think I’ll be able to change it either, when you always look so happy with someone else, even though I know it’s different from us… I still fear that someone else is going to take my place… So, I’m sorry about that too…”
To Takaki’s surprise, Hasshi opened his eyes. “You know… you really shouldn’t call people silly if you act like that yourself…” the younger boy said with a hint of smile.
“And you shouldn’t pretend to be sleeping when someone is saying things like that to you…” Takaki said, pretending to sound annoyed. “It could almost be count as eavesdropping.”
“You were meaning it to me anyway”, Hasshi answered simply, and leaned up, surprising Takaki by pressing a small kiss on his lips. “You know, you could just say those kind of things to my face…” Hasshi then said with a more serious expression. “How am I supposed to know what you think otherwise..?”
“Technically, I was saying it to your face, you were just asleep”, Takaki suggested a bit evadingly, but Hasshi stuck his tongue out at that kind of reasoning. “Fine, I’m sorry about that too, okay?”
“How about instead of saying you’re sorry all the time, you’d simply stop doing things you’d have to apologize for after?” Hasshi suggested with a cute head tilt.
“Sounds like a plan…” Takaki said, almost chuckling lightly at Hasshi’s expression.
“Good”, Hasshi said, satisfied with Takaki’s answer. The younger boy looked around himself before tugging onto Takaki’s shirt to signal him to lie down with him. “My legs are falling asleep from sitting like this”, he explained as Takaki followed to lay down on the bed like they had been a moment before, facing each other while laying on their sides.
“Are you really going to sleep?” Takaki asked with a little smile when Hasshi closed his eyes again.
“Yes”, the boy answered simply, moving slightly closer to Takaki. “Good night…”
“It’s not night yet…” Takaki said gently, but wrapped his arms back around Hasshi. Actually it wasn’t even close to being night, so if they were to fall asleep now, they probably couldn’t even sleep when it really was night.
“I don’t care…” Hasshi mumbled against Takaki’s chest, clutching onto the older boy’s shirt as if signaling sleeping would only be an excuse to be close to Takaki.
“Mm, I guess it doesn’t matter…” Takaki replied softly, turning his face so that his cheek was against the top of Hasshi’s hair. “Good night…”
Hasshi didn’t reply anything, but the boy’s face was pressed close enough on Takaki’s chest so he could feel the smile that appeared on Hasshi’s lips.
THE END
Guuuuh, I did not like writing the beginning part of this at all >>;; And personally I disagree with the idea of Hasshi being able to forgive Takaki for doing something like that but... Maa. KYAN AND CAMILLA YOU BETTER BE GRATEFUL I MANAGED TO FINISH THIS!!!!! XD;;;; Kyan, I demand fluff for CDA now XD;;; And Camilla, extra fluff for the fic we'll write XD;
Well, anyway, at least I tried writing something a little different!! XD; And now I need fluff! ...Or smut. Both work! XD
Comments? XD *goes hide somewhere*
* * * * * * * * * *
Tottsu had been telling the truth, Hasshi really didn’t look like he was feeling too well, Daiki noticed this right away when watching the boys doing their dance routines. Hasshi loved performing, and it showed every time he was dancing or singing, but right now he looked like he had no motivation whatsoever. From that far he couldn’t really see Hasshi’s eyes so he couldn’t see any signs on if he had cried just before or not, but judging from the overall appearance Daiki was betting once he got a little closer he’d get a confirmation for that too.
“Hasshi~! Hasshi, can I talk to you for a bit?” Daiki asked, dashing to the boy as soon as the dancing teacher had excused the boys, calling Kis-My-Ft2 to do their parts before it was Hey!Say!JUMP’s turn. Yes, now that Daiki was standing closer, he could see Hasshi’s eyes being a little red. What the hell had Takaki done, Daiki sure wanted to know that!
“E-eh..? Sure…” Hasshi said, looking a little wary at Daiki asking him that out of the blue, or maybe more like Daiki suddenly appearing there from nowhere too.
Daiki smiled at the younger, although taller boy, took a hold of his hand and quickly pulled him away with him. Daiki was pretty sure at least some of the boys had already gone back to Hey!Say!JUMP’s dressing room, so he couldn’t talk with Hasshi there in peace, so instead he headed to one of the smaller rooms he knew would be empty right then.
“What is it..?” Hasshi asked a bit cautiously, sitting down on the long bench in the room. Hasshi was looking really tired, and judging from everything else Daiki was betting Hasshi hadn’t probably been sleeping too much the previous night.
“Ne… what happened yesterday?” Daiki asked, not really waiting until going straight to the subject. He saw Hasshi immediately looking at him, eyes wide with confusion. Daiki could tell it wasn’t Hasshi being confused of what he was asking, but more like him being confused about how did Daiki know something was wrong.
“What… what do you mean..?” Hasshi asked, looking even more cautious now. He didn’t know how Daiki had figured out something was wrong even though they hadn’t even talked the whole day yet, but Hasshi didn’t want to talk to him about what had happened any more than with Tottsu.
Daiki stared intently into Hasshi’s eyes. Well, he wasn’t thinking it’d be easy to get it out of Hasshi. Maybe he should just ask straight… “What stupidity did Takaki do?” Daiki then asked straight. When he did said that he instantly felt bad, because Hasshi actually went completely white from his face at the mentioning of Takaki’s name. No question there, Takaki really had done something stupid…
“Hasshi…” Daiki said more gently, coming to sit next to the younger boy, poking Hasshi gently on the arm. “I know Takaki must have done something stupid yesterday since you were still in a good mood yesterday morning, but then feeling so bad today… Tottsu came to ask me if I knew what was wrong with you. He said you had cried earlier. It’s not like he’d tell me otherwise, but he was just worried about you, and so am I. So could you tell me..? I can beat up Takaki for you?” Daiki meant the last part jokingly in an attempt to bring a smile to Hasshi’s lips, but seemed he wasn’t being too successful.
“I don’t… I just don’t want to talk about it…” Hasshi said quietly, not looking at Daiki. The older boy knew him too well, so he had already figured out it was about Takaki, but even if it was Daiki, Hasshi still couldn’t tell him what happened. He had been so stupid himself, and then Takaki… Hasshi shook his head, not wanting to even think about it.
“I don’t want you feeling so down, Hasshi,” Daiki said with a genuinely sympathetic voice, trying to peek into Hasshi’s eyes. “I know Takaki tends to do stupid things, but I’ve never seen you so upset, so he must have done something even more stupid than normal. Tottsu said you had told him you had lied about something you shouldn’t have… Does that have something to do with whatever stupidity Takaki did?”
Hasshi felt even more miserable when Daiki kept asking him those things, especially because the boy kept hitting way too close with his guesses. Hasshi glanced at Daiki, seeing the worry in the older boy’s eyes. Hasshi didn’t want to talk about it at all, but he didn’t want Daiki to worry either…
“I… I think it was just my own fault…” Hasshi said very quietly. He gave a small glance at Daiki again, seeing if the boy would try to coax him into telling more, but Daiki was just sitting there quietly and just looking like he was waiting Hasshi to take his time with whatever he was saying.
Hasshi bit his lips together for a moment, looking down at his feet as he leaned a little forward, his palms pressed against the bench both sides his hips. “Takaki wasn’t paying attention to me, so I wanted to get his attention even if it was to get him angry at me…” Hasshi paused talking for a moment, feeling like he was about to cry again and Hasshi didn’t want to do it again! “…So I said some horrible things… I don’t even know why! I was lying about all of them, I just said it because Takaki paid attention to me when he got angry but… he got so much more angry than I had thought…” Hasshi’s whole body had started shivering as he held onto the edge of the bench with both hands, and he didn’t notice he actually had started crying again until a tear dropped onto the fabric of the pants he was wearing.
“Hasshi…” Daiki said softly, leaning a little closer to the younger boy. He had no idea what Hasshi had said to lie to Takaki, or what Takaki had done when getting angry, he just knew Hasshi was feeling horrible about it all and Daiki wanted to do something to make him feel better. Daiki just didn’t know what to do other than try be there for Hasshi, and it didn’t look like Hasshi wanted to tell anything more about the previous day, and Daiki didn’t want to force him into it either.
“I… I need to go…” Hasshi said, trying to wipe the tears from his face as he abruptly pushed himself up from the bench. He didn’t want to even think about the whole thing right now, he had only started to cry again… Hasshi just wanted to be alone for a moment.
* * * * * * * * * *
Takaki was slouching down the hallway, completely unmotivated expression on his face. The Hey!Say!JUMP part of the practice was starting, and the others had ganged up on him and said Takaki had to go find Daiki somewhere. Hadn’t the boy been watching the juniors practicing just a moment ago? Why had he left just when they were supposed to start theirs…
Takaki scratched his head absentmindedly when peeking around in the hallway. Daiki hadn’t been in their dressing room, so Takaki had checked the chibi juniors’ rooms after those, but Daiki hadn’t been there either. There was a big chance Daiki might be in A.B.C-Z’s room with Hasshi, but there were more than a few reasons Takaki wanted to stay as far from the room as possible!
“Why did I have to go look for him…” Takaki mumbled annoyed when he turned around a corner. There were smaller rooms in this corridor, and most of the doors were closed and probably locked, so Takaki decided Daiki probably wouldn’t have gone there and was about to turn back, but he then heard some soft voice talking from the room with the door opened to a small crack near where he was standing, soon recognizing the voice as Daiki’s. ‘Well finally’, Takaki thought, and was about to pull the door completely open and go nag at Daiki to come to the practice already, but when he then heard Hasshi’s voice answering to Daiki’s in the same room, Takaki froze on his feet.
“I don’t… I just don’t want to talk about it…” Takaki heard Hasshi’s voice saying in the room, even though Hasshi’s voice sounded so incredibly quiet. Takaki hadn’t really paid attention to what Daiki had just said, so he had no idea what Hasshi was answering to, but for some reason Takaki had the bad feeling again… especially since Daiki had just been grilling him about the subject of the previous day. Takaki lowered his hand back to his side, not opening the door after all but instead settling to listen behind the door.
Takaki couldn’t help but frown when he heard Daiki talking about Takaki being stupid, but when it was Hasshi talking again, Takaki felt like he was choking on his feet. First saying Hasshi thought it was probably his fault, then Hasshi saying how he had just wanted to get Takaki’s attention and then lying because of that… Then, the horrible things Hasshi had said had been all lies. Takaki felt his stomach turn upside down inside him. He almost reached his hand to the wall to support him, he was feeling so physically sick right now after what he had done the previous day he wasn’t sure if his body would agree keeping him on his feet much longer.
It hadn’t been Hasshi’s fault… Takaki had been the stupid one, not thinking about how Hasshi felt and not paying attention to Hasshi when the boy had wanted - and needed - it. Of course, telling the lies was Hasshi’s fault, he shouldn’t have done something stupid like that, but Takaki had been equally stupid believing what Hasshi had said. He knew Hasshi better than that, he knew the boy couldn’t possibly do something like the things he had said… Takaki was feeling absolutely horrible; how could he have reacted like that? How… how could he have hurt Hasshi like that…
Takaki was so deep in his own thoughts now, he hadn’t even noticed the pause in the talk inside the room, or how Hasshi had said he’d leave, so when the door was suddenly pushed open and Hasshi almost ran into him, Takaki was caught off guard. Although, from the looks of Hasshi’s face, it was an even bigger shock for the younger boy. Takaki felt his stomach turning upside down again when he saw the scared, almost horrified look on the boy’s face, and how he instantly pulled backwards to avoid coming so close to Takaki. Takaki even tried opening his mouth to say something, although he was pretty sure no words would come out anyway, but Hasshi had already quickly evaded Takaki and was running down the hallway, as far from Takaki as fast as he could.
If Takaki had thought he had already felt the most miserable he could after hearing what Hasshi had been saying to Daiki just a moment ago, he had been wrong. Seeing Hasshi look at him like he had just now was much worse, and he couldn’t get that expression out of his head either! Takaki didn’t want Hasshi to look at him like that… He loved Hasshi, how could he have done something to make Hasshi look at him like that…
“Takaki..?” Daiki stared at the older boy as he stepped to the doorway, seeing Takaki standing in the hallway, looking at the direction where Hasshi had just ran off to with a pained expression on his face. Daiki almost felt like kicking Takaki and order him to go after Hasshi and correct whatever stupidity he had done, but Hasshi probably wasn’t in the mood for talking with Takaki right then. And besides, Takaki was suddenly looking a lot similar to how Hasshi had been looking… Takaki had looked annoyed and angry before, but the expression on his face was totally different now, and Daiki didn’t even know why. Had Takaki heard what he and Hasshi had been talking about just now? But Takaki had been there the previous day when all that stuff had happened in the first place, so that shouldn’t be any new information about it. Unless… unless if Takaki didn’t even know yet whatever Hasshi had been saying to him had been lies! “Takaki, did you…”
“We need to get back, the practice is starting…” Takaki said in a monotone, almost choked voice, and it sounded like Takaki was doing his best to try making his voice sound like it wasn’t emotionally strained, but failing big time. Daiki didn’t know what to say at all when Takaki started heading towards the practice area, Daiki hurrying to keep up with him. Just a little earlier Daiki had been accusing Takaki and trying to get him tell what stupid thing he had done, but Takaki feeling like this now… Daiki wasn’t sure at all what he should do now…
* * * * * * * * * *
It wasn’t enough that Daiki had been worried over Hasshi, now he was worrying over Takaki too! During the whole practice time Takaki’s mind seemed to be somewhere far away, and he got scolded by the dance teacher many times. Daiki knew the worst was just ahead though, because after Hey!Say!JUMP’s practice turn was…
“Okay, we’re doing the ending performances next, so all the juniors gather here too!” Daiki heard the dance teacher calling out for the juniors come up while Hey!Say!JUMP would move to the side to come on stage during the song. Daiki looked towards A.B.C-Z and Kis-My-Ft2 who were coming to the center while Daiki and his group mates were moving to the side, and he saw Hasshi almost hiding behind Tottsu and Fujigaya, and wasn’t even looking towards the direction where Takaki was. Daiki then turned to look at Takaki. The older boy was looking at Hasshi as the juniors started their performance, but soon turned his eyes to the floor, looking even more miserable. Daiki knew both the boys were professional and would do their job, but they were both feeling bad enough so that it was completely showing on their faces.
Daiki almost winced when it was Hey!Say!JUMP’s turn to join to the song, because he saw Hasshi give a hesitant glance towards them before moving so that he was securely between his own group mates and Kis-My-Ft2 members so that he possibly couldn’t be close to Takaki even by accident. Yes, Daiki would definitely have to talk with Hasshi after the practice again… Or he’d really want to have both Takaki and Hasshi there, but judging from how Hasshi was avoiding the other boy, that wasn’t probably possible…
“Otsukaresama for the younger juniors and 7 members, you can leave now”, the dance teacher then said after the dance, drawing Daiki back from his thoughts. “As for the older ones, we’ll practice the last of the ending songs.”
Damn, Daiki had already forgotten they’d do the other ending song practice last… Because it’d be recorded so late in the actual recording day the younger boys weren’t allowed to take part, and because Hasshi still wasn’t 16 either, he wouldn’t take part in the practice with them either. Daiki turned to look at Hasshi, about to call out to him and ask him to wait until he got to leave too, but the boy was in so much hurry Daiki didn’t have a chance. Damn it… Maybe Daiki just had to go by Hasshi’s house once he got home… He had a feeling Hasshi probably wasn’t in the mood for going anywhere else but home, so Daiki would surely find Hasshi there.
* * * * * * * * * *
“…Mou, what’s wrong with Takaki…”Hikaru complained when he was getting ready to leave. “He’s not even fun to tease today… Maa, Dai-chan are you coming with us?”
Daiki glanced at Takaki who was lazily pulling on his boots, totally ignoring everything else going around him, and then back to Hikaru. “I’ll come in a bit, okay?” Daiki said, and the pair nodded, saying they’d wait Daiki outside.
Daiki had been planning on going to Hasshi’s after the practice, but he wasn’t really sure if he was the one that should go. He knew Hasshi didn’t want to be close to Takaki, but unless the pair would sort out their matters by themselves…
“Ne, Takaki,” Daiki said, coming closer to Takaki and poked the boy softly on the shoulder. “You should go to talk Hasshi.”
If Daiki hadn’t mentioned Hasshi’s name, the older boy probably would have just ignored him, but at least he looked up now. Takaki was looking so miserable and guilty Daiki felt bad just looking at him being like that.
“It’s no use for you both feeling bad like that, right?” Daiki said, poking his index finger against Takaki’s forehead. “It’s better if it’s you instead of me anyway, because you’re feeling bad too, so you should both sort things out, together.”
Takaki turned to look down, biting his lower lip. Daiki didn’t have to say that, he knew it himself too. Besides, Takaki wanted to see Hasshi and talk with him, but he was feeling so horrible because of what he had done. And Takaki was sure Hasshi didn’t want to see him. Daiki didn’t know what had happened, so he couldn’t possibly understand how impossible what he was saying sounded.
Daiki frowned slightly before giving Takaki a small push to the side. “Just go talk with him!” Daiki said before picking up his bag from the floor. He wondered for a moment if he could trust Takaki actually going or if he should go himself, but it would just be so much better if Takaki was the one going… Daiki would just call him later to check how things were, and if Takaki really hadn’t gone, Daiki would stop by then. “Ja, bye~”
Takaki lifted his eyes to look after Daiki who disappeared through the door. He really wanted to talk to Hasshi, but he was seriously scared Hasshi wouldn’t even open the door to him, or shut the door in front of his face when he saw it was him. But… Hasshi was feeling bad, and Takaki didn’t want that. He wanted to apologize to Hasshi, and comfort him. But if Hasshi wouldn’t even agree to see him in the first place…
Takaki just sat there staring at the door after Daiki had left, not being able to decide what to do. It took about five minutes until he finally managed to pull himself together and stop acting like a baby about it. Daiki was right, the two of them would have to talk about it. Even if Hasshi didn’t want to see him, Takaki wanted to see Hasshi, and he’d work it out somehow - he just wasn’t sure how yet! …He could try think that up on the way…
* * * * * * * * * *
Please be Hasshi’s mother or sister, please be Hasshi’s mother or sister, Takaki was chanting in his head once he pushed the doorbell. If Hasshi was the one who came to open the door, Takaki was guessing it wouldn’t end up too well. When it really was Hasshi’s sister who came to open the door, Takaki almost sighed in relief.
“Ah, Takaki-kun!” the girl said with a bright smile, although looking maybe a little surprised. Takaki had just been there the day before after all, so he probably hadn’t expected the boy to come by again. The girl moved a little to let Takaki inside. “Surprise you didn’t come together with Ryosuke, since he just came back a little while ago too.”
“We had to stay a little longer and since I didn’t know how long it would take, I didn’t want Hasshi to wait…” Takaki lied quite successfully. He noticed Hasshi’s sister was wearing shoes and was holding a light jacket on one hand.
“Ah, I was just about to go out,” the girl explained at Takaki’s questioning look. “Ryosuke is in his room, so you can just go there, there’s no one else home right now. Actually, Ryosuke looked like he wasn’t in too social mood, so maybe you can bring his mood up a little. It’s so depressing when he’s like that.”
Takaki tried forcing a smile on his lips when he gave a small bow at Hasshi’s sister when the girl left. Takaki was guessing Hasshi seeing him probably wouldn’t bring his mood up too much… He shook his head a little, trying not to think so negatively about it all. He took off his shoes and left his jacket on the hanger, quietly heading towards Hasshi’s room.
The boy stopped behind Hasshi’s room door, not really all that sure what to do now. Should he knock? Or just walk inside? It probably didn’t matter either way, Hasshi would probably react the same. Or well, maybe it was better to knock. If he walked to the room out of the blue like that, wouldn’t Hasshi react the same way as when he almost ran into him in the hallway earlier, and Takaki really didn’t want that.
Takaki swallowed once before slowly lifting his arm, giving a soft knock on the door and waited to hear if Hasshi answered something.
Inside the room, Hasshi lifted himself up from the bed a little bit. He had been laying on the bed on his side, hugging a pillow, too tired physically and emotionally to actually do something. Hadn’t his sister already left? At least he was sure he had heard the main door opening and closing… “Hai, it’s open…” he said, trying to sound normal. He also tried to put somewhat normal look to his face, because he knew his sister would only ask unnecessary things if he looked too miserable, even though she probably didn’t have too much time to spend on asking questions like that because she should have left already.
The ‘normal’ expression died on Hasshi’s face when he saw that instead of his sister, the person pushing the door open was Takaki.
Takaki felt the horrible feeling in his stomach again when he saw Hasshi’s expression. The skin color seemed to fade a bit from the boy’s face, making him seem paler than what he normally was as his eyes widened at the sight of Takaki. Takaki hesitated for a bit before taking on step inside the room. When he did that though, Hasshi moved on the bed more against the head, as if moving away from Takaki, trying to keep the same distance between the two of them. Takaki felt a sinking feeling in his heart getting even worse.
“I… I won’t come any closer if you don’t want to…” Takaki said in a careful voice, stopping near the doorway. He had been about to close the door behind himself like always, but decided maybe it was better to just leave it open, if Hasshi would feel any better about it this way. There wasn’t anyone else home anyway so it didn’t really matter… Takaki lowered his arm to his side, not really knowing what to do now. Hasshi looked so jumpy and scared, Takaki was feeling really bad. He just wanted to hug Hasshi to make the boy not look like that anymore, but Takaki knew Hasshi wouldn’t want him to touch him. And after what he had done yesterday, Takaki couldn’t blame him either. The boy swallowed the nasty lump in his throat, keeping his eyes locked with Hasshi’s, even though it hurt to see the boy looking like that.
“Hasshi, I’m sor--” Takaki paused, only noticing he had taken a few steps towards the younger boy when he saw Hasshi had slid a little further away on the bed again. He was automatically moving closer to the boy, wanting to be closer to him.
“I’m sorry, I… I said I wouldn’t come closer, right..?” Takaki said quietly, not meeting Hasshi’s eyes for a moment. “I know you probably didn’t want me to come but… I just wanted… just wanted to say I’m sorry…” Takaki lifted his eyes again, meeting Hasshi’s. “About yesterday, I…” Takaki swallowed, finding it more difficult to find the right words. “I heard when you were talking with Daiki, how you said you had been lying when… No, the lie part shouldn’t really matter either. Even if it was true, I still shouldn’t have…” Takaki bit his lip, feeling his voice shaking a bit. “I just… I got so angry, I didn’t even know what…”
Takaki was fidgeting on his feet. He was feeling incredibly uncomfortable standing there almost in the middle of the room with Hasshi staring at him all the time with that same look in his eyes. Takaki swallowed again, trying to figure what to say next, not that much of what he had been saying so far had made much sense.
“Is it… is it okay if I come sit next to you..?” Takaki then asked, being quite sure than the chances Hasshi would not be okay with that were at least as big as him thinking it was okay. He really wanted to be at least a little closer to the boy, so at least he had to try!
Hasshi didn’t seem to be all too sure what he wanted to answer to that either. He kept looking at Takaki, and then gave a small, hesitant glance over the bed he was sitting on himself, and then turned back to look at Takaki again. He gave a very slow, very tiny nod, although it was pretty clear from his expression he wasn’t really sure if he really was okay with it or not. He didn’t really want Takaki too close to him, but at the same time…
Takaki almost sighed in relief when he saw Hasshi give the small nod. Sure, Hasshi didn’t look too happy about the idea, but at least Hasshi wasn’t telling him to get out of the room or something like that! Takaki figured just walking to Hasshi right away would probably scare the boy, so instead he kind of went around the room and sat down on the other edge of the bed, looking down at the floor for a little while until lifting his head to look up to Hasshi, a little distance away from him on his side at the other edge of the bed. Hasshi had his legs pulled on the bed, and he was hugging his pillow against his chest with both arms. Hasshi had moved a little when Takaki had come to sit on the bed, although he hadn’t move any further away - one reason to why he hadn’t might be that he simply was already so far at the other edge of the bed he couldn’t move any more than that. But Hasshi had moved so that the pillow his was holding was covering the lower part of his face so Takaki couldn’t see his face well enough to know better what Hasshi was feeling.
“Hasshi… can you please say something..?” Takaki pleaded, leaning a little closer to Hasshi. He didn’t really dare to move much closer, because he was afraid Hasshi would just move away. Even though Hasshi didn’t have any room to move further away on the bed anymore, Takaki guessed Hasshi would get up from the bed altogether. “Hasshi, please… I said I was so sorry about what I did yesterday, and there’s no excuse for it so it’s not like I’m even expecting you to forgive me about it but can you please say something!?” Takaki was starting to feel incredibly desperate because Hasshi wasn’t saying anything, or reacting to what Takaki was saying or doing much otherwise either.
Hasshi lifted his face just a little bit, still having it covered mostly with the pillow as he glanced at Takaki. The older boy was almost holding his breath as he was waiting Hasshi to say something. He didn’t even care what Hasshi would say. If Hasshi would yell at him or be really angry or whatever, Takaki was totally fine with it, because he knew himself too he would deserve it, he just wanted Hasshi to say something. But when Hasshi then moved his eyes back down, the lower half of his face fully covered with the pillow again, Takaki almost felt like he was choking.
No, Takaki didn’t even care anymore even if Hasshi would try moving away from him, Takaki just wanted some kind of reaction, some kind of answer from Hasshi! Without a warning Takaki moved closer to Hasshi quickly, reaching his arms around the younger boy, holding him tightly. He felt the boy’s body tensing up and soon about to start struggling away, but Takaki didn’t mind either that.
“Please say something…” Takaki said, having a lot of trouble trying to keep his voice calm and not to shiver from the emotions. “I don’t care if you yell at me, or say hurtful things or whatever, just please say something… Just tell me what I can do to make it okay!”
“You can’t think like that!” Hasshi then suddenly said in a voice loud enough so that it surprised Takaki to loosen his hold onto Hasshi, allowing the younger boy to slip from his arms and jump down on the floor, turning back around to look at Takaki once he was far enough from the boy so that Takaki couldn’t reach to touch him, at least not without getting up from the bed. “You can’t expect me to instruct you what you need to do to make everything okay! You need to think on your own, and it wouldn’t make any difference either because… because I didn’t think you could ever do something like that… How am I supposed to trust you now…” Hasshi had dropped the pillow he had been holding when he had gotten away from Takaki, so he felt a little lost with what to do with his hands now, and he was partially crossing them over his chest, sliding his hands over his arms, struggling with whether to look at Takaki or not.
Takaki only looked even more distressed now. Sure, he had wanted Hasshi to say just anything and was thinking no matter what it was it would be better than the silence, but hearing those words from Hasshi’s lips now, Takaki was no longer sure at all if it felt any better after all. Or more like he knew it definitely did not felt better, because hearing Hasshi say that felt like Takaki had just received a kick on the chest, his breath not flowing normally like it should have. What Hasshi was saying was true… How could Hasshi trust him..? If Takaki would say he loved Hasshi, he would never hurt him, wasn’t that just the same he had said before too? But he had hurt Hasshi, so he hadn’t kept his promise…
Takaki had to turn his eyes away from Hasshi, because the anger and hurt in the younger boy’s eyes were making him feel nauseated, and almost making his head spin from how had be was feeling, knowing he was fully to blame for Hasshi feeling like that. And on top of that, Takaki didn’t know what he could do to make it better. Or if there even was anything he could do… Takaki could feel his own body start shaking because of the emotions as he was thinking about it, but he didn’t even notice the tears appearing to his eyes.
Hasshi did notice though, and the angry mixture of emotions on his face instantly turned into worry. Even if concern was probably the last thing Hasshi wanted to feel for Takaki right then, he couldn’t help it being his automatic reaction. Takaki didn’t cry, at least not in front of other people, so Hasshi immediately almost panicked when he saw the tears in the boy’s eyes. “Takaki..?” he asked cautiously. His body was demanding him to move closer, but at the same time Hasshi was so rooted on that spot on the floor he couldn’t.
“I’m… I’m sorry…” Takaki said, but his voice broke at the last word, and he started sobbing out loud as the tears were running down his cheeks. Takaki was feeling completely pathetic. He was the one that had hurt Hasshi, and now he was crying himself? But he couldn’t help it… All the feelings of guilt and most of all the fear Hasshi would never forgive him were too much for Takaki to handle, and it felt as if his body had a mind on its own, reacting to the feelings without Takaki’s own consent.
When Takaki broke down crying like that, Hasshi completely ignored any feeling of anger still in his mind, taking a few steps forward to be back next to Takaki. He reached his arms around Takaki’s shoulders, sitting down next to Takaki. Hasshi almost panicked when he felt how much Takaki’s body was shaking, but instead only held his arms tighter around the boy. “If you don’t stop crying, I’m going to start crying too…” Hasshi had meant to say it as a joke to get Takaki to laugh, but his own voice broke a little when saying it, almost on the verge of tears himself.
Takaki didn’t even notice at first Hasshi getting closer, but when he felt the arms around himself, it only made him cry even more for some reason. His own arms were about to circle around Hasshi’s waist on their own, but he forced them to keep from moving, not wanting to scare the younger boy away by doing something like that. But when he could hear the tears in Hasshi’s voice too, Takaki didn’t even care anymore. He could only hope he wouldn’t make Hasshi escape from him again as he circled his arms around Hasshi’s waist. “Please don’t cry…” Takaki forced his own voice not to break even more. He could feel Hasshi tensing up at his touch, and even though it was only making him feel worse, Takaki tried to drown the feeling somewhere on the back of his mind and try not to get affected by it. Hasshi had come to comfort him, even though it was Takaki who wanted to comfort Hasshi… “Please don’t cry, and please don’t go away…” Takaki said, a hint of desperation in his voice when he said the last part. “I’m sorry…”
Hasshi remained in place, not moving the slightest bit as he listened Takaki’s voice. Even though he appeared calm on the outside - if not for the tears on his cheeks - his emotions were lifting up a storm inside. He so badly wanted to be angry at Takaki, and wanted to get away and be alone, but even more than that he wanted to stay there in Takaki’s arms, touch him and hear his voice… Hasshi had no idea how to deal with emotions like that. “Even if you say that…” Hasshi started in a small voice, stopping when he felt Takaki’s arms hold him just the tiny bit tighter.
“I know…” Takaki said, even though Hasshi hadn’t finished what he was saying. “And I’m not expecting you to forgive me either…” Slowly, very unwillingly Takaki loosened his arms around Hasshi’s waist so that he could move back enough to meet with Hasshi’s eyes. He hesitated for a moment before lifting one hand to Hasshi’s face, brushing the hair away from over Hasshi’s eyes, and then to gently brush away the tears from the boy’s cheeks. He wasn’t sure how Hasshi felt with Takaki touching him, so Takaki was moving his hand very slowly, but at least it seemed like Hasshi wasn’t flinching to his touch now. Having brushed away the tears, Takaki let his hand linger on the side of Hasshi’s face for a short while before lowering it down on the bed. “I’m… I’m not expecting or even asking that… that you forgive me…” Takaki lowered his eyes, not being able to meet with Hasshi’s as he spoke. “…But can I try?” He looked up at Hasshi’s eyes again. “Can I try if I can earn your trust back?”
Hasshi blinked a few times, feeling slightly taken aback by the honesty of Takaki’s eyes. He looked down himself for a moment before meeting Takaki’s eyes, moving one of his own hands to brush over the wet lines still remaining on Takaki’s cheeks. “I… I think so…” he then answered slowly as he lowered his hand, touching his fingertips against Takaki’s cheek for a short moment before lowering the hand against his own thigh. “But I don’t know how long that would take, because…” Hasshi looked down again.
Takaki lifted his hand to touch his fingers gently against Hasshi’s chin, to make the boy look up and meet his eyes. He only touched Hasshi’s chin very gently, not making the boy look up, but just asking him to. And Hasshi did. “I’m fine with it, no matter how long it takes, since it’s my fault…”
Hasshi couldn’t help but feel bad when looking at Takaki’s eyes. Even if the boy said it was all his fault, Hasshi had been lying to make Takaki angry, so he was also to blame for it…
“Do you mind if I stay over for a while… or if I stay over for the night?” Takaki asked, adding the last part a bit cautiously. “I won’t even touch you if you don’t want to”, he promised, reacting instantly the small hesitation in Hasshi’s eyes, and moved his palms to against his own thighs, not to touch Hasshi.
“…Nn, it’s okay…” Hasshi answered slowly. He didn’t like the feeling of Takaki moving his arms away, but he still felt like he shouldn’t make a move towards Takaki. It all felt so weird. He just wanted it all to be normal, and Takaki to hold him, but at the same time he felt like he couldn’t accept that so soon after being hurt by Takaki… Hasshi realized his eyes were probably revealing what he was thinking, because the look in Takaki’s eyes turned into slightly desperate.
“I…I’m going to get a futon for you to use…” Hasshi felt an unpleasant knot in his stomach when he said that. Takaki had always slept in the bed with him, so even thinking about having Takaki sleep in his room but not next to him felt alien and not tempting at all. The boy bit his lower lip while deep in thought, getting up from the bed without looking at Takaki. Before Hasshi could take more than one step though, he felt a pair of arms wrap around his upper body, locking Hasshi’s arms against his sides, and then Takaki’s face press against the side of his neck. Hasshi stopped, but his body didn’t freeze like earlier from Takaki’s touch. Instead, a big part of him wanted to lean against the touch…
“I’m sorry, I just… I just don’t even want to see you walking away…” Takaki mumbled in a soft voice against Hasshi’s neck, closing his eyes as he turned his face slightly, taking in the scent of Hasshi’s hair. “I’m sorry, I know I said I wouldn’t even touch you but… just say if you don’t want me to, and I’ll more away..?” Takaki’s voice was a bit strained when he said that, expecting Hasshi to tell him to move away, but not wanting it. He waited, fearing Hasshi to say it, but the younger boy kept quiet.
Hasshi kept still, taking in the warmth of Takaki’s arms around him, and the feeling of calmness taking over when feeling the closeness of the other boy’s body. Why was he acting like this when deep down Hasshi didn’t even want to keep Takaki away? After just standing there for what felt like a really long time, Hasshi lifted one hand, touching his fingertips against Takaki’s arm. “You… you don’t have to sleep on the futon…” Hasshi said quietly. “We can both sleep on the bed like normal…”
Takaki was actually very surprised by Hasshi saying that. “But… are you sure? I don’t mind sleeping on the futon…” Takaki said. He had opened his eyes, but not moved from his position one bit.
Hasshi shook his head. “I need Takaki next to me…” he said in almost a whisper. Hasshi had been the one to lie just because he wanted Takaki to notice him more. He was the one who had hurt Takaki first, so it wasn’t like he didn’t know he had been doing wrong also… Hasshi swallowed once, wrapping his fingers more around Takaki’s arm around him.
Takaki took in a deep breath, letting it out with a small shiver going through his body as a small wave of relief went through his body. If Hasshi said that, he must be feeling more at ease around him, and just hearing Hasshi say those words…
Takaki leaned to sit down on the bed, pulling Hasshi down with him as he laid down on the bed on his side, still holding his arms around Hasshi, but prepared to remove his arms at any moment Hasshi would tell him to. The younger boy didn’t say anything though, or in any other way hint Takaki keep further away either. “Are you sure it’s okay..?” Takaki asked softly, still not certain.
Hasshi didn’t answer anything at first, but then he slowly turned around so that he was on his side, facing Takaki. The older boy had loosened his arms around Hasshi the instant the boy had made the slightest move, worrying if Hasshi wanted to move away and giving the boy the room to do it if that was what he wanted, but Hasshi remained just as close, and now that the younger boy had moved around, their faces were only few inches apart.
“I already said… I want Takaki close to me…” Hasshi said in even smaller whisper, his words sending small puffs of air against Takaki’s lips.
Takaki wanted so badly to close the very small distance between their lips and kiss Hasshi, to pretend everything was okay and that nothing bad had happened at all, but he didn’t dare… He didn’t want to push it too far when he had already promised he wouldn’t even touch Hasshi…
Hasshi moved one of his hands up to Takaki’s face, brushing his fingers softly against the boy’s cheek. He followed the movement of his fingers with his eyes, before looking up and meeting Takaki’s gaze almost shyly. “I’m sorry… for lying to make you angry…” Hasshi said softly. Thinking about it all now, Hasshi couldn’t even begin to think how he had even managed to think of doing something so stupid. There probably wasn’t any worse way of dealing with the situation than what he had done!
“Don’t say that…” Takaki said, placing one of his own hands over Hasshi’s, and moving the younger boy’s hand slightly, placing a soft kiss on the boy’s fingers. “I know it was my fault, so you don’t have to say that…”
“Can we agree then that we are both at fault?” Hasshi asked, a hint of smile on his lips.
Takaki couldn’t even begin to describe how big of a relief if was to see Hasshi almost smiling after all the horrible that had happened. He had been fearing for the worst, being sure Hasshi would never want him close to himself anymore… Takaki let go of Hasshi’s hand, moving his own palm against Hasshi’s cheek, sliding it along the boy’s soft skin, and touching the tip of his thumb against the boy’s lower lip. “Can I… can I kiss you..?” Takaki asked after fighting for the courage to ask that for a long time. He really wanted to kiss Hasshi right then, but wouldn’t do it without a warning, and not without making sure it was okay to Hasshi first.
Hasshi had placed his own hand over Takaki’s on his face now, and when Takaki spoke, he looked up to meet his eyes. Hasshi didn’t even consider the answer to that, instead he gave a small nod, still holding his hand over Takaki’s.
Takaki didn’t move right away, still in a way wondering if it was okay after all, even if Hasshi had nodded. Seeing Hasshi’s expecting eyes though, Takaki leaned forward, closing the small distance between them as he pressed his lips softly, very carefully against Hasshi’s. A wave of warmth rushed through Takaki’s body at the contact of their lips, and as Hasshi let go of his hand, Takaki moved the hand he had been holding on Hasshi’s cheek behind the boy’s neck. He didn’t pull him closer though, making sure the kiss would remain easy and sweet. Takaki really wanted to kiss Hasshi deeper than that, but hold himself back just in case. For the same reason he didn’t let the kiss continue for too long, not to lose himself in the kiss and forget about it. After a few moments he withdrew himself from the kiss, albeit very unwillingly.
“Are you okay..?” Takaki asked, brushing his thumb against Hasshi’s cheek.
“…You don’t have to be so overly careful, you know…” Hasshi said, trying to sound a little teasing, although even though he could put up a hint of smile, neither of them were quite there yet so that they could joke about anything relating to the situation at hand.
“I promised I wouldn’t touch you if you didn’t want to though…” Takaki reminded, brushing the thumb over Hasshi’s cheek again.
“And I said it was okay…” Hasshi said to that, meeting Takaki’s eyes with a clear look. He moved the tiniest bit closer to Takaki, the look in his eyes softening. “Kiss me..?” he asked in a quiet voice, the small puffs of air again tickling Takaki’s lips.
The older boy swallowed once as he kept his eyes connected with Hasshi’s, resisting the urge to hold Hasshi tightly in his arms, never let go and just kiss him for as long until neither of them could even breathe anymore. Instead he moved both of his arms so that his hands were on Hasshi’s upper back right now, and then moved closer, pressing his lips against Hasshi’s, this time into a slightly deeper kiss.
Takaki felt Hasshi’s hand on his chest, moving up and to the side of his neck, before he felt the whole of Hasshi’s body move a bit closer, their bodies touching slightly now. Not even noticing it, the increased closeness made Takaki kiss Hasshi deeper, one of the hands on Hasshi’s back sliding up behind his neck, pulling Hasshi and his lips closer in the kiss. Hasshi was answering to the kiss now too, his lips parted, moving against Takaki’s. Hasshi answering to the kiss made it so much easier to forget all about promising himself to take it easy and not let the kiss get too deep. So instead Takaki only pressed his lips more against Hasshi’s, his one arm pulling Hasshi closer, feeling Hasshi’s body more against his. The feeling of Hasshi answering to the kiss, and his body so close to Takaki was almost intoxicating after how bad both of them had been feeling. Takaki even forgot for a moment to be cautious about what he was doing, and pushed himself up, hovering over Hasshi as he pressed his lips harder against the younger boy’s. It wasn’t until Takaki’s hand had trailed down Hasshi’s body, and was touching the care skin of the boy’s waist at the edge of the shirt when Takaki’s mind caught up.
“…Ah, sorry…” Takaki said in a slightly choked voice as he withdrew his hand as if Hasshi’s hand had burnt it, and moved up to sit on the bed. What a good job was he doing living up to his promises again, saying he wouldn’t even touch Hasshi… Takaki pressed his hand against his forehead, trying to get his mind to focus.
Hasshi looked at Takaki a little confused, pushing himself to sit on his knees a small distance from Takaki. “I didn’t say anything…” he said in a small voice, trying to make Takaki look up to him instead of evading his eyes.
“No, but…” Takaki said, hesitantly meeting Hasshi’s eyes. “But I hurt you… here…” Takaki said quietly, his free hand clutching onto the bed sheet next to his thigh. Takaki didn’t really have that much of recollection what he had even done, just faint flashes in his mind, because the whole event had been a completely blur to him. But he still remembered enough, and the memory of that was making his stomach turn upside down.
“Mm, it was more that you just scared me… It wasn’t that you hurt me really, just…” Even when Hasshi was saying that, it was quite clear from his evasive tone that he was lying. But Hasshi didn’t want to continue thinking about all that anymore either, so he was just trying to make Takaki feel less bad about it.
“Liar…” Takaki said, but a hint of affectionate smile on his lips, and his body relaxed noticeably at Hasshi’s attempt to make him feel better.
Hasshi answered to Takaki’s expression with a little smile on his own, and leaned closer, reaching his arms around Takaki’s waist and pressed the side of his face against the boy’s chest. Takaki’s arms instinctively circled around Hasshi’s body, holding the boy close as he took in the scent of Hasshi’s hair, and placed a small kiss against the boy’s head.
“I’m sorry…” Takaki said again, after a long moment of silence.
“I know… Me too…” Hasshi answered in a quiet voice against Takaki’s chest. He was suddenly feeling very sleepy. “Let’s… let’s not both be stupid like that again..?”
“Yeah…” Takaki replied in almost a sigh, tightening his hold around Hasshi. He swallowed slowly, listening the younger boy’s calm breathing against him. Thinking about all of it now, it felt impossible something like that had even happened. How could he have gotten so angry..? Takaki’s body tensed up just at the thought of it.
“Don’t think about it…” Hasshi mumbled in a voice that almost sounded like he was half asleep, reacting to the tensing of Takaki’s body.
“I’m not…” Takaki quickly denied, willing his body to relax again and trying not to think about it.
“Now who’s the liar…” Hasshi said with a hint of smile in his voice.
Takaki couldn’t help but smile at that. If Hasshi didn’t want either of them thinking about it now, it was okay for Takaki, even if he knew not thinking about it didn’t mean either of them would forget about it… The idea of losing everything because of a small moment of stupidity felt so horrifying, Takaki realized he didn’t want to think about it himself either.
“Hasshi..?” Takaki said slowly, waiting for the boy to make some sound to indicate he was listening, but Hasshi remained quiet. “Hasshi?” Takaki asked confused as to why the younger boy wasn’t answering, and turned so that he could see Hasshi’s face. To his amazement he saw Hasshi having his eyes closed, breathing calmly against his chest, very clearly deep in sleep. Takaki just stared at Hasshi’s sleeping face for a long moment before almost starting to laugh. “You actually fell asleep..?” Takaki asked with a soft voice, though obviously saying it to just himself as Hasshi was asleep. “Mm, I guess it’s okay…”
Takaki leaned back so that he had his back against the wall, moving Hasshi slightly so that he was in a better position to sleep against him, and held his arms protectively against the younger boy. “Sleeping like that probably isn’t the best idea though…” he murmured against Hasshi’s hair. Not that Takaki minded it of course… He moved one of his hands to brush the hair away from Hasshi’s forehead, before moving the hand back on Hasshi’s back. “I love you…” Takaki whispered softly.
“I love you too…” Hasshi mumbled in a small voice, not moving from where he was.
“Eh? Weren’t you asleep?” Takaki asked, quickly taking a look at Hasshi’s face, but sure enough, the boy was still asleep. “Talking in your sleep..?” Takaki asked, a hint of smile creeping on his lips as he watched Hasshi. “Silly…”
Takaki kept looking at Hasshi’s face for a long time, enjoying the weight of the boy’s body against his own. “I’m sorry if you’ve felt like I’ve been ignoring you…” Takaki said softly, touching the tips of his fingers against Hasshi’s cheek. He probably would say this when Hasshi would be awake, but somehow saying it like this was so much easier. “I want to be able to spend more time with you too, and not being in the same group anymore just makes it harder… You’re being busy now too… and I know it’s stupid, but I’m jealous… Even though I know I shouldn’t be… I don’t think I’ll be able to change it either, when you always look so happy with someone else, even though I know it’s different from us… I still fear that someone else is going to take my place… So, I’m sorry about that too…”
To Takaki’s surprise, Hasshi opened his eyes. “You know… you really shouldn’t call people silly if you act like that yourself…” the younger boy said with a hint of smile.
“And you shouldn’t pretend to be sleeping when someone is saying things like that to you…” Takaki said, pretending to sound annoyed. “It could almost be count as eavesdropping.”
“You were meaning it to me anyway”, Hasshi answered simply, and leaned up, surprising Takaki by pressing a small kiss on his lips. “You know, you could just say those kind of things to my face…” Hasshi then said with a more serious expression. “How am I supposed to know what you think otherwise..?”
“Technically, I was saying it to your face, you were just asleep”, Takaki suggested a bit evadingly, but Hasshi stuck his tongue out at that kind of reasoning. “Fine, I’m sorry about that too, okay?”
“How about instead of saying you’re sorry all the time, you’d simply stop doing things you’d have to apologize for after?” Hasshi suggested with a cute head tilt.
“Sounds like a plan…” Takaki said, almost chuckling lightly at Hasshi’s expression.
“Good”, Hasshi said, satisfied with Takaki’s answer. The younger boy looked around himself before tugging onto Takaki’s shirt to signal him to lie down with him. “My legs are falling asleep from sitting like this”, he explained as Takaki followed to lay down on the bed like they had been a moment before, facing each other while laying on their sides.
“Are you really going to sleep?” Takaki asked with a little smile when Hasshi closed his eyes again.
“Yes”, the boy answered simply, moving slightly closer to Takaki. “Good night…”
“It’s not night yet…” Takaki said gently, but wrapped his arms back around Hasshi. Actually it wasn’t even close to being night, so if they were to fall asleep now, they probably couldn’t even sleep when it really was night.
“I don’t care…” Hasshi mumbled against Takaki’s chest, clutching onto the older boy’s shirt as if signaling sleeping would only be an excuse to be close to Takaki.
“Mm, I guess it doesn’t matter…” Takaki replied softly, turning his face so that his cheek was against the top of Hasshi’s hair. “Good night…”
Hasshi didn’t reply anything, but the boy’s face was pressed close enough on Takaki’s chest so he could feel the smile that appeared on Hasshi’s lips.
THE END
Guuuuh, I did not like writing the beginning part of this at all >>;; And personally I disagree with the idea of Hasshi being able to forgive Takaki for doing something like that but... Maa. KYAN AND CAMILLA YOU BETTER BE GRATEFUL I MANAGED TO FINISH THIS!!!!! XD;;;; Kyan, I demand fluff for CDA now XD;;; And Camilla, extra fluff for the fic we'll write XD;
Well, anyway, at least I tried writing something a little different!! XD; And now I need fluff! ...Or smut. Both work! XD
Comments? XD *goes hide somewhere*
31 comments | Leave a comment
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}